real friends?

friends. they come and go just like the wind blows. i'm currently writing this with goose bumps all over my body. hhhh .. i feel like i've had enough. at first i said to my self, "suck it in. they are allowed to have another friends. just like you do." but then .. i couldn't take it anymore.

once i thought that this situation is temporary. this won't linger. this will go away. i was wrong. it seems like the beginning has no end. it will flow like the rhythm of the water in the deep blue sea.

sometimes it hurts when fame wins against friendship. is it fame or ego?

both i guess.

oh sure they say, "i'd rather you anytime then them. you know, we've been best friends for 2 and a half years now."

owh F*CK your self !! of course you choose them !! they are far more popular than i am. i am a no one. a loner. a freak!!

you know what. what ever.

they talk to me when they have no one else around. and ignore me, deme me as ... hhhh .. vermin.. as though i don't even exist.

ARGH !! SCREW YOU !!

this is where it ends

As I was folding back the fabric that I used for the exhibit, everything that had happened in the past two and a half years were scattered in my mind. As though it was a documentary movie and flash back images. I could remember the moment when I first landed my first step in my high school, Bina Nusantara High School. I could even remember the very first scent that i smelled when I first walked in. I didn’t know what to feel. Sad. It’s true. I could not lie that it is so hard for me to let go of the memories, friends, experiences, teachers and of course loved ones. Dramatic you say? Maybe I am dramatic. I don’t know. I tried my best to not cry at this moment. I try to convince my self that this is temporary. We’ll meet after the two weeks break. But then after the break, what lies ahead? Final exam for 6 days. Then.. No more.

I regret moments when I prayed to God that He will make time moves fast-er. There were times when I really angry, irritated and disappointed by friends or teachers. There were times when I thought that the pressure was over whelming. Too much. I couldn’t handle the stress. But then as today is the very last day of high school, I kind of wish that somehow time can move back wards or at least moves slower. I wish I recorded every single scene of my days in high school.

Owh, God I just wished that time will move slower. Not this fast. It feels as though it’s just yesterday I first said hello to my first friend, Janivan Sulaiman. Time moves like a blink of an eye. Tears were crawling at this moment. I couldn’t handle this. Weak. I know I am. But I’ve never wished that I would be stronger.

I feel like i've grown a lot, as a human being, as an individual, as a friend and as an artist. These two and a half years in high school taught me a lot. It taught me to love, respect, and cherishes every single thing and person in my life. Oh God, it’s so hard to say goodbye. Harder than thought it would be.

I hate good bye. I do, I really do. I love you, guys. Every single one of you. Sorry for what ever it is that I’ve done that hurt your feelings. I love you dearly.

I just hope that someday we’ll meet again, joke and study together again in the same class room. Let fate and God decide.

Dedicated to all year 12 of Binus High School ( 2005-2007 ).

you

There are always times when I want to sleep but I can’t.
There are always times I want to talk but I don’t know what to talk about.
There are always times when I want to scream but my voice won’t come out.
There are always times when I want to say I miss you and I regret every thing that I said but I don’t.

There are always times when I want to walk without knowing where to go.
There are always times when I want to say I love you but I couldn’t cause I don’t want to lose you.
There are always times when I want to hug but there’s no one to touch.
There are always times when I want to sing but not a single note comes out of my mouth.

There are always times when I want to swim without knowing where the river ends.
There are always times when you annoy me and I couldn’t help my emotion.
There are always times I want to slap you but I don’t even dare to touch that tender skin.

There are always times when I want to cry but I don’t know why.

You
You
You

It’s you

Haven’t you realize that it’s because of you?

Everything
Everything
Everything

Do I know the real you?

The one that I see everyday?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

cape!! gw cape!! gw brusaha buat ngerti!! gw brusaha buat ngerti!
tp lo pernah ga ngerasa apa yang gw buat itu bener? pernah ga? gw ini sebenenrya syapa buat lo?
gw ngerasa apapun yg gw buat tuh salah!

salah

salah

salah

salah

gw kesel. jujur gw kesel bgt! gw kesel!!

gw pengen triak. tp gw ga bs.

gw pengen nangis. tp apa air mata yg gw kluarin akan ada artinya?

gw bingung. gw bingung gw hrs apa. jujur gw cape. gw bener2 mencoba bikin lo seneng sampe akhirnya gw ngerasa gw bukan diri gw.

knapa si lo ga bs play your role correctly just one time. once. that's all i ask for.

bisa ga si lo gantian ngertiin gw!?

lo blg lo sayang ama gw!! sayang tuh lbh dr materi. jauh. gw ga ngerasa gw disayang. gw ngerasa gw dinomor duakan.

selalu!
selalu!
SELALU BEGITU!

gw kesel!!

gw mau pergi!
gw mau pergi!
gw mau pergi!

this is not me

i'm tired. tired of thinking what people think about me. why does it matter so much? i can't stand looking at the people whispering about me and what i wear. "look at that b*tch. she thinks she's all that! look in the mirror, b*tch!" that's right. i don't have a size 2 body. i'm a normal girl. living a normal, ordinary life.

insecure is something that i'm too familiar with. too many things in my head that blocked my head from expressing my self. i'm afraid that they'll leave me. they. people who hang with me at lunch time.

my world, my life, my being are surrounded by slender girl with toned abs and completely flat stomach. whereas me. i am a normal girl with stretch marks on my stomach.

pretty? am i pretty? i think not. they say that i am appealing. but i think otherwise. i think they told me that to make me feel good about my self. pity. maybe that's why. maube they don't want me to feel miserable about my life.

i'm tired of laughing in the hall way with those fake looking girls. i'm tired of flipping my hair the way they told me to. i'm tired of wearing a low rise tank top. i'm tired of paying attention to the latest fashion in Vogue. i feel like i live my life with mask. mask that helps me being accepted by the society.

that's not me!

will i ever be the old me?
will they accept the old me?

will he go mad today?

Tuesday, September 25th 2007
8.55 am

five more minutes till apocalypse. i could feel my heart was pumping twice as fast as usual. too loud hence i could hear it distinctly. my eyes were somehow drifting to the wall where the clock is hung. i asked my self, "is he OK? will he go mad today?" no one knew the answer. i looked at my neighbour who was sitting next to me. she shook her head as if knowing my sorrow.

would prayer help at this moment in time? maybe it would. maybe it wouldn't.
it's worth trying.

dear God,
i don't know what the future holds. blur. it's blur. i don't know what to expect. what to speculate.
he's too unpredictable.
whatever happens, i know that You will always be with me.

Tuesday, September 25th 2007
9.00 am

it was time. argh !! i was going insane !!
i pushed the door of the next subject's class room. "this is it," i said to my self. he was not there. i waited. we waited. 1 minute passed by. he was still not there. 2 minutes. not even a sign that he was present. my metabolism was not working with me. i wanted to pee. i went to the ladies room. i went back. he was yet to come. i sat at one of the benches in the room.

BLAP! the door opened..
"hi, guys..!"

he was not mad.
thank God.

see, prayers do work...
God does listen to our plea.

us and the big G

i have known that Father's care for me
He's been good
He's been good
Through it all He always care for me
He's been good to me

a gospel song that reminds me that God is good and that He felt what i feel and He knew what i know .. in other words, He only wants what's good for us .. and if He let something bad to happen to us, that's because He wants us to grow stronger and tougher ..

do u have faith ?. i do .. it is incredibly hard to maintain a good relationship with The Almighty in a society surrounded by loads of people with different characteristics .. depressing yet exciting at the same time .. it is more of a challenge than a burden to stay close with God ..

in life we often think that God has left us with all this sorrow and dillemas .. but little did we know, Jesus never leaves us .. it is us who leave them .. though we never dare to admit that we 'betray' God ..

we assume that what we own, what we achieved have nothing to do with God .. WRONG !! we are nothing without God .. He works in an unseen way .. it is rather magical and mysterious .. but his plans are true and amen !!

7 days

i am now sitting and waiting for the clock to tick faster .. i am dying ..

tick tock .. tick tock ..

day by day ..
i fell like the day moves so fast ..
i know this would sound cliche and cheesy ..
but it's true ..
it seems like just yesterday i landed my first step in my high school ..

seek ..
i am seeking for companionship ..
i found what i seek ..
or maybe not ..

apprehensive ..
am i apprehensive ?.
probably ..

bold ..
i'm daring and bold ..

are all that i have in me are just to please people around me ?
or i'm me because of people around me ?
or is it them who are desperately treating me well?
doesnt really matter .

we've got 7 days left ..
then..
no more ..
we will all go our separate ways ..

for good

i hate bald people

for those of you who think that gay men are a girl's best friend !! u r wrong !! u r dead wrong !! the are mean, rude and egoistic ..

they call people arrogant and over confidence .. but hello .. !! FYI, have u been looking at the mirror lately ?. nope !! do u want me to lend u one ?. cause i have plenty ..

i am so burning mad right now .. i worked my ass off for his project because i cared !. because i f*cking care !! but he said that i'm a pretender !! can u do every thing wihout my, our help ?. u think u'r all that !. but the truth is: YOU'RE NOT !!. you think that the universe revolves around you, but it doesnt !!

i went to the church yesterday .. i felt touched .. the speaker said that we need to be humble and meek .. he also said that the root of failure is arrogance .. i agree !!

forgive means to forget .. when u said u forgive someone, you have to forget what he/ she did forever .. that means forgiving .. give that person another chance .. but i'm not sure that i'm ready to be hurt again ..

the speaker said that we need to ask ouir friends every once in a while: how am i doing ?.

how am i doing ?.

am i doing OK ?.

the speaker said:
the key to improve a relationship is to say sorry ..
it's sure is a simple word .. but it needs a big effort to be able to say i'm sorry with a sincere heart ..

this is my thought .. in my head ..