you

There are always times when I want to sleep but I can’t.
There are always times I want to talk but I don’t know what to talk about.
There are always times when I want to scream but my voice won’t come out.
There are always times when I want to say I miss you and I regret every thing that I said but I don’t.

There are always times when I want to walk without knowing where to go.
There are always times when I want to say I love you but I couldn’t cause I don’t want to lose you.
There are always times when I want to hug but there’s no one to touch.
There are always times when I want to sing but not a single note comes out of my mouth.

There are always times when I want to swim without knowing where the river ends.
There are always times when you annoy me and I couldn’t help my emotion.
There are always times I want to slap you but I don’t even dare to touch that tender skin.

There are always times when I want to cry but I don’t know why.

You
You
You

It’s you

Haven’t you realize that it’s because of you?

Everything
Everything
Everything

Do I know the real you?

The one that I see everyday?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

cape!! gw cape!! gw brusaha buat ngerti!! gw brusaha buat ngerti!
tp lo pernah ga ngerasa apa yang gw buat itu bener? pernah ga? gw ini sebenenrya syapa buat lo?
gw ngerasa apapun yg gw buat tuh salah!

salah

salah

salah

salah

gw kesel. jujur gw kesel bgt! gw kesel!!

gw pengen triak. tp gw ga bs.

gw pengen nangis. tp apa air mata yg gw kluarin akan ada artinya?

gw bingung. gw bingung gw hrs apa. jujur gw cape. gw bener2 mencoba bikin lo seneng sampe akhirnya gw ngerasa gw bukan diri gw.

knapa si lo ga bs play your role correctly just one time. once. that's all i ask for.

bisa ga si lo gantian ngertiin gw!?

lo blg lo sayang ama gw!! sayang tuh lbh dr materi. jauh. gw ga ngerasa gw disayang. gw ngerasa gw dinomor duakan.

selalu!
selalu!
SELALU BEGITU!

gw kesel!!

gw mau pergi!
gw mau pergi!
gw mau pergi!

this is not me

i'm tired. tired of thinking what people think about me. why does it matter so much? i can't stand looking at the people whispering about me and what i wear. "look at that b*tch. she thinks she's all that! look in the mirror, b*tch!" that's right. i don't have a size 2 body. i'm a normal girl. living a normal, ordinary life.

insecure is something that i'm too familiar with. too many things in my head that blocked my head from expressing my self. i'm afraid that they'll leave me. they. people who hang with me at lunch time.

my world, my life, my being are surrounded by slender girl with toned abs and completely flat stomach. whereas me. i am a normal girl with stretch marks on my stomach.

pretty? am i pretty? i think not. they say that i am appealing. but i think otherwise. i think they told me that to make me feel good about my self. pity. maybe that's why. maube they don't want me to feel miserable about my life.

i'm tired of laughing in the hall way with those fake looking girls. i'm tired of flipping my hair the way they told me to. i'm tired of wearing a low rise tank top. i'm tired of paying attention to the latest fashion in Vogue. i feel like i live my life with mask. mask that helps me being accepted by the society.

that's not me!

will i ever be the old me?
will they accept the old me?

will he go mad today?

Tuesday, September 25th 2007
8.55 am

five more minutes till apocalypse. i could feel my heart was pumping twice as fast as usual. too loud hence i could hear it distinctly. my eyes were somehow drifting to the wall where the clock is hung. i asked my self, "is he OK? will he go mad today?" no one knew the answer. i looked at my neighbour who was sitting next to me. she shook her head as if knowing my sorrow.

would prayer help at this moment in time? maybe it would. maybe it wouldn't.
it's worth trying.

dear God,
i don't know what the future holds. blur. it's blur. i don't know what to expect. what to speculate.
he's too unpredictable.
whatever happens, i know that You will always be with me.

Tuesday, September 25th 2007
9.00 am

it was time. argh !! i was going insane !!
i pushed the door of the next subject's class room. "this is it," i said to my self. he was not there. i waited. we waited. 1 minute passed by. he was still not there. 2 minutes. not even a sign that he was present. my metabolism was not working with me. i wanted to pee. i went to the ladies room. i went back. he was yet to come. i sat at one of the benches in the room.

BLAP! the door opened..
"hi, guys..!"

he was not mad.
thank God.

see, prayers do work...
God does listen to our plea.

us and the big G

i have known that Father's care for me
He's been good
He's been good
Through it all He always care for me
He's been good to me

a gospel song that reminds me that God is good and that He felt what i feel and He knew what i know .. in other words, He only wants what's good for us .. and if He let something bad to happen to us, that's because He wants us to grow stronger and tougher ..

do u have faith ?. i do .. it is incredibly hard to maintain a good relationship with The Almighty in a society surrounded by loads of people with different characteristics .. depressing yet exciting at the same time .. it is more of a challenge than a burden to stay close with God ..

in life we often think that God has left us with all this sorrow and dillemas .. but little did we know, Jesus never leaves us .. it is us who leave them .. though we never dare to admit that we 'betray' God ..

we assume that what we own, what we achieved have nothing to do with God .. WRONG !! we are nothing without God .. He works in an unseen way .. it is rather magical and mysterious .. but his plans are true and amen !!

7 days

i am now sitting and waiting for the clock to tick faster .. i am dying ..

tick tock .. tick tock ..

day by day ..
i fell like the day moves so fast ..
i know this would sound cliche and cheesy ..
but it's true ..
it seems like just yesterday i landed my first step in my high school ..

seek ..
i am seeking for companionship ..
i found what i seek ..
or maybe not ..

apprehensive ..
am i apprehensive ?.
probably ..

bold ..
i'm daring and bold ..

are all that i have in me are just to please people around me ?
or i'm me because of people around me ?
or is it them who are desperately treating me well?
doesnt really matter .

we've got 7 days left ..
then..
no more ..
we will all go our separate ways ..

for good

i hate bald people

for those of you who think that gay men are a girl's best friend !! u r wrong !! u r dead wrong !! the are mean, rude and egoistic ..

they call people arrogant and over confidence .. but hello .. !! FYI, have u been looking at the mirror lately ?. nope !! do u want me to lend u one ?. cause i have plenty ..

i am so burning mad right now .. i worked my ass off for his project because i cared !. because i f*cking care !! but he said that i'm a pretender !! can u do every thing wihout my, our help ?. u think u'r all that !. but the truth is: YOU'RE NOT !!. you think that the universe revolves around you, but it doesnt !!

i went to the church yesterday .. i felt touched .. the speaker said that we need to be humble and meek .. he also said that the root of failure is arrogance .. i agree !!

forgive means to forget .. when u said u forgive someone, you have to forget what he/ she did forever .. that means forgiving .. give that person another chance .. but i'm not sure that i'm ready to be hurt again ..

the speaker said that we need to ask ouir friends every once in a while: how am i doing ?.

how am i doing ?.

am i doing OK ?.

the speaker said:
the key to improve a relationship is to say sorry ..
it's sure is a simple word .. but it needs a big effort to be able to say i'm sorry with a sincere heart ..

this is my thought .. in my head ..